Let's begin with a confession shall we? I stole something very small and very sweet from the Queen Mary 2.

Look, it's not every day one gets to partake in the most civilized of all teas - complete with sliver service and served by liveried waiters. I'm tempted to blame the flute of Veuve Clicquot I ingested a little to quickly or even the choux pastry swan I inhaled, however I can really only blame my own little sticky fingers.

Don't get me wrong - I am not a kleptomaniac. However after the disappointment of not pilfering any complimentary pens on the grand tour of the liner, I needed a souvenir.

I stole a mini jam jar.  
 

I am a jam thief, I need help. Her Majesty Queen Liz would not be impressed, and I'm sure I won't get another Afternoon Tea invite if she found out. But last night, I put that mini jar of sweet preserve on my night stand and whispered a sweet goodnight to it.

I fear I may have lost you all and you're probably wondering if I should committed, but this tiny jar epitomises the Queen Mary 2 cruise liner. (She is never to be referred to as a ship, but a majestic liner.)

Hear me out. Like my stolen sweet spreadable fruit, the QM2 is decadent, fancy, exclusive, indulgent, ornate and elegant. In other words not the every-day 500g jar of IXL that's within everyone's reach.

It is also very English.

They say a picture speaks a thousand words  - and you are most welcome to watch the Facebook Live videos I took - but I would also like to describe the QM2 in my own words, and share some observations I picked up off camera.


It was all very exciting stepping aboard, not sure what I'd see. I deliberately didn't want to look at any images before boarding so as not to ruin the impact. After going through security I joined about 20 others in a hallway before being ushered in to meet our tour guide Dave in the Grand Lobby.

My very first impression was the space! The width of the corridors and the height of the ceilings. Now I know it's this feature (among others such a the number of stablisers and the shape of the bow) that separates ships and ocean liners. Dave was very thorough in explaining all the special features throughout the tour. Again, you can watch here.


   
And there were lots of features to talk about, such as the carpet. Apparently, the amount of carpet laid in the $145m remastering (not refirb) could cover five Wembleys.
 

Everywhere I looked, my eyes were treated to stylish and elegant touches. The colours of the interiors, the plush furniture, a grand piano and beautiful floral arrangements created by the on-board florist. I felt like I had entered a rich aunt's mansion in Point Piper who had recently employed the most in-demand interior designer to create a masterpiece. Understated elegance. 



As there was so much to see, we were whisked up and down wide staircases, past the Veuve Clicquot Champagne Bar (real champagne), the decadent Godiva chocolate cafe (one day I'll get to sample these sweet treats), into the two theaters - Royal Court Theatre and Illuminations - to marvel at the features (a  planetarium), the Commodore Club observation lounge (my second favourite) Library (my favourite), Art Gallery, Spa and the numerous restaurants and eateries. 

Around every corner there was beautiful art, elegant art deco finishes, (the mirrored lifts were to die for), and a complete and utter feeling of serenity.  

There were also many paintings, prints, busts and other artworks of Queen Elizabeth II - I almost felt compelled to curtsy! 

Dear Lizzy

 
To be honest, I was rather puffed and looking forward to munching on a cucumber sandwich or three. Our tour guide was extremely gracious and it was obvious that he not only took great pride in his work, but had a great deal of love for the QM2. Dave is a wealth of knowledge and an asset to Cunard.

Post box! I love this quirky feature

Before I tell you about the afternoon tea, I'd like to give you my two cents about the vintage of the people who would cruise on the QM2. Obviously, most people assume that the majority of cruisers are older and wealthier. I suppose this is true to some extent. It is a class above your regular cruiseships. I mean, there was a whole wall of wine fridges stocked with $4000-bottles of port! Dave informed us that passengers have no qualms dropping $40K at Cartier (one of the shops aboard) nor buying a $100,000 piece of art. 

But, having said that, there are three tiers of passengers, and not everyone who cruises on the QM2 is a First-class or Grills passenger. I tried to imagine what some of these passengers circumstances are. Maybe they'd saved up their retirement to cross this off their bucket list. Or maybe a widower who was left a provision by their late partner to experience the extravagance. I'm not one to judge, however they'd chosen to cruise on the QM2 is utterly their business. 

The most common question I've been asked is about children aboard and dress code. Personally, while I'm sure children would be catered for, I wouldn't take mine. I'd be uncomfortable and so would they. As for the dress code, I saw most people in smart casual attire (it was day time) but have been informed evenings are formal. And why not? It's always nice to dress to match your surroundings.

Which brings me to the afternoon tea in the Queens Room. OH MY WOW! Featuring the largest ballroom/dancefloor at sea, it was spectacular. If you've ever been to the Tea Rooms as the QVB in Sydney, it was kind of like that - but on some heavy duty steroids.


My guest and I barely had enough time to take a few sips of tea before we were whisked off to the dancefloor. While I have can barely stay upright without tripping over my feet, the most lovely gentleman had me spinning around the polished floor actually doing a foxtrot! I was completely enraptured by this romantic gesture as the Dance Host led me effortlessly and didn't flinch when I tread on his toes. It was then I understood the allure of cruising on the QM2 and being transported to a bygone era of dance bands and well-groomed manners.

Poor guy, I'm sure I hurt his back

 "For many of our guests, this is their last hurrah," the Dance Host confided.

His words made me choke up a little, imagining a beautiful older woman wishing for just one more waltz. Well done Cunard, well done.

Over the next hour our plates were piled with delicious tidbits and our dainty tea cups were continually refilled with hot amber liquid.

Lady Muck and Sir Dance-a-lot

A highlight of the event was hearing from Ann Sherry, Executive Chairman of Carnival Australia. I even had the chance to introduce myself and thank her for her hospitality. If you don't know much about Ms Sherry, I can tell you she is a very inspiration woman who has worked tirelessly to build up not only cruising in Australia, but the reputation of Carnival. And, she congratulated me on my dancing skills! 

All good things must come to an end, and it was time to depart. Naturally, I was the last to get off - first I had to accost Chef Miguel Maestre and demand a photo (it's always nice to celebrity spot at events such as these).

You can just see he was trying to get away from this crazy woman

As I was gently ushered (pushed) down the gangplank, I was rather sad to say goodbye, knowing that that would probably be my only taste of such cruising extravagance. But as I clutched my box of Twinings Tea and nicked jam jar, I smiled a satisfied grin as I looked back at the Queen and knew I'd have memories to treasure for a long time.